Monday, May 30, 2011

I’ve been avoiding posting since Mother’s Day.

I had a really nice Mother’s day at the Maryland Sheep and Wool festival with my mom. I’ll post pictures of the beautiful sheep soon. This hen would love to add some sheep to her personal farm (we’d never have to mow again!) but that’ll have to wait. I can barely keep up with the dogs, let alone animals who can’t be trained where to go to the bathroom.

Ever since Mother’s day, I’ve been in stormy seas. Grief is often described as coming in waves. For a while there I didn’t have a lot of waves, and they weren’t very strong. But the surf has been rough of late. I miss my Liam very much, and I’m struggling with the fact that so many people I know are pregnant. Fortunately none of my see-you-in-person friends are pregnant, but my Facebook wall is covered. Facebook is a huge pitfall for me. There are people I am “friends” with who I’ve blocked from my feed because I can’t stand to see the belly bumps, or the new baby pics anymore. It’s nothing personal, it’s just where I am right now.

I recently found out that an acquaintance had lost her baby 10 days before her due date. This isn’t someone I know well, but I instantly wanted to go to her. As I was learning about her situation, I discovered that we have a friend in common, someone I had mostly lost touch with. I thought that meant that God was doing something through me in this situation. I ordered books for her, I emailed her, I friended her on facebook. I only hope that I can giver her a small amount of comfort in this horrifying time of her life. The only way for me to keep Liam's memory alive is to help others in his name. 

I don't know what heaven will be like, but there is one thing I hope is true. I hope that the children who end up there too soon are together. I hope they know each other the way we (their mothers) know each other here on earth. I know there will be no more sorrow or tears, so they won't need to comfort each other, but even if you're not sad it is good to be with others who understand. For me, one of the hardest things is not being able to mother Liam in the traditional way, so a large part of my grief is feeling as if I should be taking care of him. I like to think that in heaven they take care of each other.


  1. I had to take a long break from Facebook, too. It's still a bit hard to see the new post nearly every day/week about someone announcing.

    But I also know that the times I've announced, knowing other friends are suffering/grieving, that it was really hard. I almost always want to include an apology or something.

    I think that's why it's good for women to open up to one another, so we can bear burdens and joys together in the best way. However that may work itself out...

  2. And Bernie is there to protect him. I'm not sure from what, but he's protecting him anyway. He'll be sharing his blue blankie with Liam too.

  3. I've blocked a few people from my news feed, too. It's just too hard sometimes, especially when people are complaining about their pregnancies.

    I love the way you think of our babies in heaven--what a beautiful thought!

    Hope you're finding the days a bit gentler. I know I always have trouble from Celia's anniversary (4/10) through Father's Day, so please know you're not alone.